I love to observe everything and turn it over and over to look at it from different angles, playing with it, taking sides and then reversing my argument back on itself to see if that will shed even more light on the subject at hand. This is one of my pleasures in life, perhaps even one of my many raison d’être. While my nature exasperates a few people, I cannot imagine living life any other way. I do this with all aspects of life, but lately I have turned that lens more intensely onto my past and present relationships, mainly those of a romantic and sexual nature.
For the moment, I am partnerless yet love intimacy and touch so in an attempt to not get sucked into relationships that either won’t work for me or might be harmful, I am trying to be vigilant and honest in regards to my true nature and treat myself accordingly. Being, in essence, both a monogamous and deeply sharing person, it’s requiring a great deal of balance and patience to keep myself reined in even as I am endeavoring to allow myself freedom to explore and learn at the same time. There have been plenty of stumbles and side trips on this journey, but the farther I walk this path, the easier it becomes to feel out what is right for me.
I view my various relationships as something fluid and tangible… Like water, love and caring exist as concrete to me. (connection can be substituted if that word makes you more comfortable). Water exists. It is irrefutably real. Like water, once a connection to someone occurs, that bond will continue to exist. It is a substance that cannot truly disappear nor can it be manufactured, yet even as it remains essentially the same substance, it can change form or pick up sediment along the way. Sometimes it is a creek running fast, a cup of mint tea, trails of hot steam, cold ice, or a cloud on a gorgeous day. Water’s transformative ability is one of its many spectacular traits! This can also be said of the bonds we feel for those we love.
When a connection with another person happens for me, it tends to be fast and less about what outward form the relationship will take than simply recognizing our affinity. Not to sound too touchy feely, but it could be described as a meeting of the spirits. That familiar feeling, that inexplicable ‘click’. When I get blessed with those meetings, the superficials don’t matter and neither does the direction that particular connection will take. Those aspects work themselves out over time and through a respectful dance of trial and error. Though it is not always easy, it consistently seems that there is space in my life for such people. They are important to me: from those I get the pleasure of seeing and spending time with often, to the wanderers who make their appearances (always at the most amazing moments!) and the few I have allowed in as lovers. All of these people who seem to know some part of my soul will always be a part of my life and a part of me, even as our roles with one another shift and life’s changes send us in different directions.
What makes those connections shine so brightly is that with most people that deep inner recognition simply is not there. I have met some amazing, kind and wonderful people with whom, even after a long period of time and many conversations or shared activities, that soulful link cannot be found. If it wasn’t there to begin with, then like water, it cannot be manufactured. I do enjoy those friendships as well, but when life or distance intercedes those relationships tend to slip into the past, not necessarily forgotten but with less lasting effect on me than I would have expected.
Sometimes loneliness, lust or wishful thinking can cast shadows over our inner barometer. There were times when I permitted people to take up space in my life and feelings even as I knew that a deeper connection was lacking. Being young and trying to find my way, I tried on the belief that you could use your intellect as a guide to finding connections. Older now, I see how much of my time and energy was wasted in trying to glue together an honest relationship and life using the wrong materials for the job. Now I place my intellect in check, only allowing it to come out and play in my personal relationships after I have allowed myself a long, calm look into my heart.